Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
