Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
