Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
