Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
