Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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