she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the room spins SO much faster in panama
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
