Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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