Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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