Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
