you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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