If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
