Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
