making cat noises will not fix the situation.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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