At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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