is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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