I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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