I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
