Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
