Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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