This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
