then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
