Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
