I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
there is glitter all over my balls
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