I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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