I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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