If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
