You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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