a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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