Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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