never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
