Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
