well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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