Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
