Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i will never coherently bang her
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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