eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
