I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
