I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?