I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic