i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
