Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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