Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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