I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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