Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
