Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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