I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
