dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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