I met the friendliest cop last night
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
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Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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