he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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