You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
