i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
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I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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