Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
