What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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