At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
