Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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