there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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